a blended life

I thought my next post would have some good news.  I thought everything would resolve and Jacob would have moved back in before the girls got back from their stupid visit with their stupid dad and the whole thing would have been just a crazy moment of residency panic.  But panic turned into lies and more lies and pretty soon I found myself standing in front of the Marriott on Jay Street, receiving a text that he was at the birth of his twin sons, so sorry he can't make it to the child support hearing and by the way he hadn't picked out names yet.  And then twin sons turned into lies and more lies. And I found myself standing in the middle of his new apartment, a dump of a place that he moved into in July with the other woman and her handful of kids from different men. His mom is there holding one of the new babies. Why do they look Latin? And I give this crew a firm, honest piece of my mind. The injustice, dishonesty, untrustworthiness and absolute psychosis that I've had...

Jacob had the day off. We made plans to go out to eat and see the fireworks at Coney Island. I went to a church BBQ while he studied.  When I got back, all his stuff was gone. He'd moved out and into an airbnb for three weeks. Or longer. I don't know.  Some things I know: 1. I feel strongly that this is a result of a mental health breakdown. We've all been through too much but he also had the stress and anxiety of starting residency.  2. I go through periods of hating him and not letting him back and periods of wanting to work it out. Mostly the first one.  3. The state denied my application for teacher certification which means I'm back to begging for work as an unqualified teacher.  Which narrows my options and irritates me like you wouldn't believe.  4. So basically I'm alone with Lucy in this apartment all day and night. Unless I want to battle the humidity and go somewhere. She started singing Row Row Row Your Boat today and I almost died of cute. It s...

1. This morning I got up at 3:45 am to get the girls to the airport for their summer visit with ___________. Fill in the blank with your favorite name for my ex husband. My dad called him Beavis and I'm all about honoring my dad's good name right now, so Beavis it is. And you can't have Beavis without Butthead, which is so fitting for his wife and oh I could go on about their shenanigans and trying to blame me for their failing marriage but that would sound like a bad reality show so I won't bother. I digress.  We barely made their flight. Lucy and I had to wait at the gait until the plane left the ground and by the time we got home from JFK it was 9 am. Someone asked me if I was glad their leaving so I could have time to myself. NO, PEOPLE!!!!! T was a very hard goodbye and they had to say bye to Lucy. Who in earth wants a month off from their young kids?! Sheesh. Which leads me to-- 2. Today was Jacobs first official day of residency. Amen and hallelujah that it's...

Did I forget to mention that I got some uncool blood tests back? That showed massive inflammation and a likely autoimmune disease? And that I have to wait until new insurance kicks in to get more help? Jacob thinks it's lupus. How fitting that he worked at a rheumatology clinic last year and knows all about treatments and whatnot. I'm going to the clinic this week and will hopefully get some answers.  I'm not ready to talk about my mother in law's visit yet. Better that we don't discuss it now or I'll be up all night writing speeches in my head. If you'd like an idea of what it's like to be around her, do a google search of 'adult female aspergers.'  Leah had a lovely birthday-- she earned a trip to Six Flags for being one of the top ten seventh graders in academics and behavior. (In NYC public schools, behavior is meticulously tracked and recorded. And rewarded.) The trip was on her birthday, so she came home later than normal. We had a laid bac...

Why aren't six word stories more of a thing? Some of us don't like to prattle on and on. We need six words to sum up and get the point across. For example: Regarding a miserable shopping attempt in midtown Manhattan today: Hot trash Sweaty tourists Blowing everywhere.  Regarding my health and some blood  tests that showed possible autoimmune disease: Blood work explains Nothing and everything Regarding the fact that we STILL don't know if Brian will have the girls for a month this summer (which I hope they don't): Biological dad still can't pay expenses.  Regarding Lucy: Teething busybody, please start walking already.  You know, I guess it takes more than six words since I had to overexplain afterall. Fine.  A memory that keeps popping in my head: Sometime last year, in Vancouver. I'm talking to my dad about Elder Cristofferson's Mormon message about the currant bush that gets cut into a stub. I lamely lament that I've been cut into a stub, since at the...

Or: Carrie Never Faileth To Be A Charity Case Tonight at a youth activity, Leah got teased for having a mom that has had so many problems this year. The girl comes from a family that is notorious for causing problems. They give us all kinds of grief in Primary so I wasn't super shocked. She felt terrible. I feel terrible. It's reached a point where I don't want to mention anything to anyone. I just want to quietly disappear and not be the problem child anymore. Or better yet, go back to a place in time where I had friendships I could maintain, callings I could easily do, hobbies (what!) and where everyday wasn't a fight to get to the end of it without some big fallout.  And I'd like the bishop to stop calling me Job. 

First of all, thank you so much for the comments. I love them and I promise no one here has asked a stupid miscarriage question!  Memorial Day weekend can be summed up in one sentence: icy, despondent grief. That's a sentence fragment but I'm not gonna fix it.  We had a dinner for my Dad on his birthday--drumsticks, Fritos, Diet Pepsi, salad with cabbage (I can't stomach coleslaw so we had an alternative) and cherry pie. We listened to Paul Simon and Alison Kraus and cried on the bed.  Only one problem, though. I got super sick on Monday and by Tuesday night, I could barely stand up without shaking. It was so bad on Wednesday with fever, chills, chest pain, aches, etc that I took myself to the doctor. I hate doctors but the guy I go to is really good so I suck it up. And I have pneumonia.  Because May really wants to kick my butt. In fact, we haven't had a good month in....months?  Actually I can barely move. And I hope it goes away fast. What's worse than pneum...

It's been a sad month for me. So much loss, disappointment and feeling in limbo.  Is Lucy a baby or a toddler? Is jacob a doctor or resident? Am I a working mom or a stay at home mom? Is it summer when we still have a month of school? Is my dad out of my life or is he closer than he ever was? Am I a mom to three kids or eight? Will I have more kids or is this it? First birthdays are always hard for me. It felt like we were burying her first year of life instead celebrating what is to come. By this time I was one week post-miscarriage and just not feeling it.  Luckily, she loved all of it. I don't recall seeing a one year old get excited about presents, but nothing about this kid has been very typical or predictable. She lights up my soul every day and I know she was sent here to fill up an otherwise black, confusing existence.          Jacob got her a batman figurine. No comment. Happy first year of life, darling baby. It's been a doozy.   *******...

I had a miscarriage. #5.  A lot of people have had a lot of nosy questions, Did you plan it? Did you want it? What kind of birth control? Are you relieved or sad?  Good grief. Emphasis on the grief.  The positive tests came as a complete shock to both of us and the timing couldn't have been worse. But slowly Jacob got excited for a new baby and I started planning how to get two small people around the city. Where would he/she sleep? Would Lucy ever sleep through the night? Aren't I too old for this? How will people respond? I had no symptoms so I knew right away that it would end like this.  Jacob has been gone all week at his dad's house in Texas. RChel had been trying to help me with Lucy and house stuff. We both learned that Lucy prefers one specific person to put her to bed (me).  So I've muddled through a few rough days alone, caring for Lucy and trying to take care of a bloody, broken body. Miscarriages are like miniature versions of labor and delivery wit...

It's been a day of hits and misses.  But I love being a mom and any day I get to reflect on how happy these little people make me is a good day.  Jacob got up early with the older girls to make a really yummy breakfast. He did great. I very specifically requested a low key day with simple food, low cost gifts or no gifts and time together at the parks and playing games. I got exactly what I wanted.  I also had a good day at church and primary didn't put me over the edge, as it does most Sundays.  It's been a day of grief and remembrance of my dad, who thought the world of my mom. Sometimes I  more sad that she is alone than I am sad that he died. If that makes sense.  He doesn't feel gone to me. Just doing other things for a time. I know he's there. I know he's involved in watching over and taking care of my family. He can influence and help in a way that he couldn't before. I believe he is grateful for this, though it came at a heavy price.    ...

My niece (Rachel) is here for the month to help me with Lucy and life while I work nearly full time hours at my test-scoring job. It's been a week and already the stress I felt for months is easing away and all of us are feeling a bit more optimistic. It is truly miraculous what one pair of extra hands can do. And Lucy is a four hands kind of kid (meaning she requires a lot of help).          I know we do things very different from what she's used to. I know I'm not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I don't care. It's a stupid rule.  Having her around has made me hyper-aware of my constant #momfails. Don't get me wrong, Rachel hasn't mentioned anything. Its just been a reminder of how imperfectly we muddle through each day. Leah drank my contacts accidentally. Hannah used a calculator for an entire math assignment and intentionally blew off her reading homework. Lucy licked the subway car. I've spent most of my time trying to battle sheer...

I haven't blogged much the last half of this month because I'm too tired. We are ok. I'm getting a lot of hours at my online job scoring state ELA tests from California. Jacob is drowning in medicine. Hannah had been dealing with a considerable amount of depression and agreed to meet with a counselor. Both girls (and me) have been through so much that my toolkit of coping skills has been depleted. I'm not trying to sound like a veteran of war. We just feel beaten to a pulp and it's taking a lot of hugs, prayers, Uno games and tears to sort out everything.  Lame side note. I love Brooklyn Bridge Park. It has piers with soccer, tennis, basketball, swings and all kinds of fields for public use. You play with the closest view of the Manhattan skyline and it's stunning. Plus walking paths, grass, BBQ, etc. Very lovely place. Oh! And it smells like the outdoors! Unlike Central Park, which stinks.          That last one is Hannah doing a handstand. 

(Hymns no. 192, He Died, The Great Redeemer Died!, vs 3) It's occurred to me over and over, and I've said this before, that the level of grief or despair we feel is equal to the capacity for joy we have. So I've noticed that it's a tricky balance to allow myself to feel as sad and despondent as I want with letting it swallow me up into an unmanageable whirlwind. Or to a point where I want to self soothe with something destructive, like Amazon.  At this point Jacob would be telling me that he's never met anyone who thought so much about feelings and had so much self control over them. Sigh. He's probably right.  Here's what I haven't blogged about: 1) Hannah's dance recital  2) Jersey Shore trip 3) Lucy being so sick we almost didn't do #2 4) Easter I'm going to put in a few pictures and write until I fall asleep. Hopefully it makes sense.        I didn't realize that the whole studio was extremely politically charged. Almost every dance, ...

I won a Broadway lottery--meaning I put my name in for some cheap tickets and with two hours notice, we were headed to see a play.  Two things I want to mention before I fall asleep on the keyboard: 1) I wasn't familiar with the story ahead of time. It was so fitting and parallel so many things that Jacob and I are dealing with. Plus it's the kind of writing where there are so many layers and you're talking about it the next day. Ah, so good and refreshing. 2) The acting was PHENOMENAL and I mean extremely fantastic. I've never been a Danny DeVito fan but his live performance was so funny and spot on. It was a good reminder that seeing a performance live makes such a huge difference. I felt this way when we went to a Steve Martin concert and saw the Olympic ice skaters--there really is something about being there in person. Also Mark Ruffalo killed it.  3) We were gone a total of six hours, and it took me three of those to finally let go of leaving the kids and start en...