Death Visits Again

I had a miscarriage. #5. 

A lot of people have had a lot of nosy questions, Did you plan it? Did you want it? What kind of birth control? Are you relieved or sad? 

Good grief. Emphasis on the grief. 

The positive tests came as a complete shock to both of us and the timing couldn't have been worse. But slowly Jacob got excited for a new baby and I started planning how to get two small people around the city. Where would he/she sleep? Would Lucy ever sleep through the night? Aren't I too old for this? How will people respond?

I had no symptoms so I knew right away that it would end like this. 

Jacob has been gone all week at his dad's house in Texas. RChel had been trying to help me with Lucy and house stuff. We both learned that Lucy prefers one specific person to put her to bed (me). 

So I've muddled through a few rough days alone, caring for Lucy and trying to take care of a bloody, broken body. Miscarriages are like miniature versions of labor and delivery without a very positive ending. 

 

A Snapchat from the ER to cheer up Leah, who was sick with concern. 

Jacob is home now. Now that it's over. I'm both resentful and grateful that he was gone. Complicated feelings I can't sort through right now. He is deeply disappointed and grieving in his own silent way. 

Hannah is heartbroken. Leah is confused. 

Hannah named the baby Hope. 

I've started to view my family as a large combination of those who haven't been born, those currently with me and those who've passed away. As if we're all in the same continuum but doing different jobs. We're still together, we still have the same goal but we're accomplishing it in wildly different ways. 

Someday, I'd like an explanation as to why my unborn babies and my dad were so desperately needed in the spirit world that they couldn't be a part of my life now. I know I'll be waiting a long time for that answer. 

I feel grateful that I have more time with Lucy. Her boisterous personality fills up every space of this house, and I was worried that a new baby would take away from that. I came home from the hospital and held her all night just because I could. 

 
  


Comments

Megan said…
Oh, Carrie! I'm so incredibly sorry. Love you!
May 22, 2017 at 6:19 PM
Jen said…
I love you so much! I hope I didn't ask any of those stupid questions. I'm here. Always.
May 23, 2017 at 3:28 PM
Larri-Lea said…
I absolutely love you and also hope I didn't make things worse with any stupid questions. Just know we love you all and are so very happy to have you all in our family. What a wonderful job you have done of raising your 3 beautiful girls. Life is so full of confusing and wonderful contradictions. Thank you for being here.
May 28, 2017 at 8:00 AM
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