Pulled From the Wreckage

I thought my next post would have some good news. 

I thought everything would resolve and Jacob would have moved back in before the girls got back from their stupid visit with their stupid dad and the whole thing would have been just a crazy moment of residency panic. 

But panic turned into lies and more lies and pretty soon I found myself standing in front of the Marriott on Jay Street, receiving a text that he was at the birth of his twin sons, so sorry he can't make it to the child support hearing and by the way he hadn't picked out names yet. 

And then twin sons turned into lies and more lies. And I found myself standing in the middle of his new apartment, a dump of a place that he moved into in July with the other woman and her handful of kids from different men. His mom is there holding one of the new babies. Why do they look Latin? And I give this crew a firm, honest piece of my mind. The injustice, dishonesty, untrustworthiness and absolute psychosis that I've had to endure and none of which I deserved. 

And then that broken, exposed man caved and agreed to let us move out of state and into a better situation that was compatible with single motherhood. And I might have threatened him with a nasty court battle that I was prepared to fight if he put up a fuss about my departure. 

And my mom who has donated a month of her newly widowed life so she can hold us through the lies and deceit and help us build a new life somewhere else. She has made a tremendous sacrifice that I can't repay and that keeps me awake at night with guilt at what she has sacrificed for this mess. Followed by anger at the guy who caused it.  

And my beautiful, resilient, strong girls who have damaged trust and more betrayal than a ten or thirteen year old should feel. 

We went to Massachusetts last weekend to attend Time Out For Women. David Archuleta sang Angel by Sarah Mclachlan and I froze at the lyrics "pulled from the wreckage." I pictured a horrible car wreck, the kind you can't look away from. Where first responders are pulling bloody bodies and laying them on the road and everyone wonders who's fault it is and who survived. 

Jacob didn't survive. He is an empty, hollowed out version of a man I used to know with blank eyes and no hope of a better life. The consequences he will live with are punishment enough, more punishing than the colorful names he's been called by, well, everyone. Someone who had an affair while his wife was pregnant on the other side of the country, then got that woman pregnant while his wife was recovering from broken legs doesn't have a conscience, right? Surely this is the definition of psychopath. 

So we won't be driving that car anymore. (The irony of my terrible analogy: he took the car with him to his new life and lied about selling it. So we literally and figuratively won't be driving that car anymore.) I try to tell the girls that our new life might even be better and they may be really grateful someday, but my words are hollow and we all know we're diving into a new life we didn't ask for. 











Comments

Larri-Lea said…
This all seems so surreal....But your inner strength is carrying you and angels are all around. Your girls are amazing, and the love you have for each other is keeping this whole ship afloat. We cannot undo what Jacob has done, but you can (and are) choose how to live the rest of your life. I know all of these changes all at once are absolutely overwhelming, and I know the Lord will guide you. Embrace the charity being shown you. People love and want to care for you right now. And keep praying!
September 20, 2017 at 5:57 PM
Jennifer Walker said…
As I read this I thought about Sarah McLaughlin's song "Fallen". Look up the lyrics. I know there are angels all around you--seen and unseen--pulling you out of the wreckage. The trauma and the tumult associated with it all will take time and some of it may never heal. But please, please know this: You are LOVED. So, so, so, so loved.
October 15, 2017 at 9:04 PM
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