a blended life

First of all, thank you so much for the comments. I love them and I promise no one here has asked a stupid miscarriage question!  Memorial Day weekend can be summed up in one sentence: icy, despondent grief. That's a sentence fragment but I'm not gonna fix it.  We had a dinner for my Dad on his birthday--drumsticks, Fritos, Diet Pepsi, salad with cabbage (I can't stomach coleslaw so we had an alternative) and cherry pie. We listened to Paul Simon and Alison Kraus and cried on the bed.  Only one problem, though. I got super sick on Monday and by Tuesday night, I could barely stand up without shaking. It was so bad on Wednesday with fever, chills, chest pain, aches, etc that I took myself to the doctor. I hate doctors but the guy I go to is really good so I suck it up. And I have pneumonia.  Because May really wants to kick my butt. In fact, we haven't had a good month in....months?  Actually I can barely move. And I hope it goes away fast. What's worse than pneum...

It's been a sad month for me. So much loss, disappointment and feeling in limbo.  Is Lucy a baby or a toddler? Is jacob a doctor or resident? Am I a working mom or a stay at home mom? Is it summer when we still have a month of school? Is my dad out of my life or is he closer than he ever was? Am I a mom to three kids or eight? Will I have more kids or is this it? First birthdays are always hard for me. It felt like we were burying her first year of life instead celebrating what is to come. By this time I was one week post-miscarriage and just not feeling it.  Luckily, she loved all of it. I don't recall seeing a one year old get excited about presents, but nothing about this kid has been very typical or predictable. She lights up my soul every day and I know she was sent here to fill up an otherwise black, confusing existence.          Jacob got her a batman figurine. No comment. Happy first year of life, darling baby. It's been a doozy.   *******...

I had a miscarriage. #5.  A lot of people have had a lot of nosy questions, Did you plan it? Did you want it? What kind of birth control? Are you relieved or sad?  Good grief. Emphasis on the grief.  The positive tests came as a complete shock to both of us and the timing couldn't have been worse. But slowly Jacob got excited for a new baby and I started planning how to get two small people around the city. Where would he/she sleep? Would Lucy ever sleep through the night? Aren't I too old for this? How will people respond? I had no symptoms so I knew right away that it would end like this.  Jacob has been gone all week at his dad's house in Texas. RChel had been trying to help me with Lucy and house stuff. We both learned that Lucy prefers one specific person to put her to bed (me).  So I've muddled through a few rough days alone, caring for Lucy and trying to take care of a bloody, broken body. Miscarriages are like miniature versions of labor and delivery wit...

It's been a day of hits and misses.  But I love being a mom and any day I get to reflect on how happy these little people make me is a good day.  Jacob got up early with the older girls to make a really yummy breakfast. He did great. I very specifically requested a low key day with simple food, low cost gifts or no gifts and time together at the parks and playing games. I got exactly what I wanted.  I also had a good day at church and primary didn't put me over the edge, as it does most Sundays.  It's been a day of grief and remembrance of my dad, who thought the world of my mom. Sometimes I  more sad that she is alone than I am sad that he died. If that makes sense.  He doesn't feel gone to me. Just doing other things for a time. I know he's there. I know he's involved in watching over and taking care of my family. He can influence and help in a way that he couldn't before. I believe he is grateful for this, though it came at a heavy price.    ...

My niece (Rachel) is here for the month to help me with Lucy and life while I work nearly full time hours at my test-scoring job. It's been a week and already the stress I felt for months is easing away and all of us are feeling a bit more optimistic. It is truly miraculous what one pair of extra hands can do. And Lucy is a four hands kind of kid (meaning she requires a lot of help).          I know we do things very different from what she's used to. I know I'm not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I don't care. It's a stupid rule.  Having her around has made me hyper-aware of my constant #momfails. Don't get me wrong, Rachel hasn't mentioned anything. Its just been a reminder of how imperfectly we muddle through each day. Leah drank my contacts accidentally. Hannah used a calculator for an entire math assignment and intentionally blew off her reading homework. Lucy licked the subway car. I've spent most of my time trying to battle sheer...