a blended life

If you're on Facebook, you know that Santa doesn't exist in our house anymore. It started with this picture. Hannah realized that the "Santa who sat on Coke" was Grandpa's friend. And if he's Grandpa's friend, then he's not really Santa. And if he's not really Santa, then all these guys dressing up like Santas are just fakes. And if that's the case, then is there an actual Santa?? She pressured me and pressured me until I told her the truth.  Hannah isn't the type of kid where you can write a fluffy letter about how Santa is in everyone's heart and it's good to believe in things you can't see. My kids would never accept such an answer--either he is real and we will believe, or he is not real and we will deal with it.  "Mom. I'm serious. Is he real or is he not real?" Every few hours she asked. I knew it was tricky because her older sister, the most trusting, genuine soul I know, is an avid Santa/Elf on...

I mentioned being a bit sick but that was gross understatement. I was, and still am, ROYALLY ill and have not yet recovered from whatever hit me. According to the doctors, it was the "possibly the true form of the flu in it's toughest strain", plus some mysterious inflammation and liver dysfunction. I would normally insert a big fat sigh here, but I have a headache and don't feel well enough to even feel sorry for myself. My husband thought it was Hantavirus from the mouse infestation we had. It still could have been but I'm on the mend. Slowly. Have you ever heard this phrase? (designed by Kassie, of course) I didn't get the gene that makes you a little bit corny and makes you love phrases like this. Sometimes I wish I had it. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe in God and that he has not left me and that he is in every part of my life. I am a very devout person, but this doesn't quite sum it up for me. In my head, I've been making s...

So, I've been a wee sick here for a few days (one week). Hannah decided she couldn't wait for another day to get Christmas going around here, so she did it herself while I was in bed. She hung the socking with thumbtacks on the wall, right at her arm's level: Put up the creche with all the things looking at the baby in a round cluster, being frustrated that  the stable looks like a birdhouse and doesn't fit all the creatures: Decorated these mini trees, then got bored and gave up on the third one. She put them in front of her fishbowl (Merrill the Beta): Hung most of the "ordaments" on the tree in a cluster, with multiple ornaments per branch. Then she made the words "Joy" out of pipe cleaners and stuck it in the tree: It took me a while to decide to leave it up the way she did it. On one hand, it's great that she has initiative and we wouldn't expect anything else out of her. On the other hand, it looks like...

Near my house, there is a lit-up, Passing Gas Santa yard decoration. His cloud lights a barbecue pit. Stay classy, Santaquin.  Laurel gave my mom and I tickets to Time Out For Women in Salt Lake (my brilliant sister opted out). The speaker was Ann Romney. I went with an open mind and really tried to soak in the message of what she was saying. I came away with a few conclusions: 1) She is a good person and I can see why look up to her. 2) I did not feel stirred or motivated by her speaking, as I'd hoped to. It was empty to me and I look for leaders who can stir me or make me feel a connection. I didn't have that with Ann. 3) Just because I didn't have that connection doesn't mean others can't, and I feel strongly about being respectful of other's opinions. If Ann moves your heart and not your bowels, then we are friends and I love you for it. This is a guy that I taught on my mission. My companion, Hermana Whitcomb, and I met him my ...

The past week has been a blur of busy, but one that I enjoyed very much. I have almost zero brain activity to give each event enough attention, so....I'm not going to. I will post some pics tomorrow or as soon as I can. My birthday, friends and family visiting, lots of food, a mission friend going throughout the temple, a head cold that left me with "an overall feeling of generalized malaise" (thank you, med student), and a stomach bug. Plus two days of work. Seriously, a great week except my bro and sis were in the Northwest and not in Utah. I'll leave everyone with this little dog selfie. Juno is a good sport and is a lot like me--always wants to play :).

The few bad weeks we had are a distant memory now. I went to bed Sunday night and felt the world fall into place. This whole week has been kind of surreal and floaty--I've had the oddest feeling of calm and peace about everything. There are a lot of changes ahead, but isn't that true for everyone? On Monday, the director of Special Ed for the whole district paid me a surprise visit. I was teaching a 1st grade math group--three extremely strong willed kids that I think are hilarious--and he came to check to see that I had been keeping data on reading progress. I had, luckily (insert HUGE sigh of relief here). We chatted for a few minutes about social motivation, he gave me a pack of M&Ms with a "Good Job!" sticker on them (I guess we're never too old for candy and stickers) and left. After his visit, he sent me this email: Carrie, I enjoyed visiting with you today. Thanks for your positive and upbeat approach to a challenging and important job. I know tha...

I spent three hours at my parent's house for my mom's birthday. My mom is the kindest, hardest working person I know. There were a lot of people there and a lot of yummy chocolate cake. My dad did a great job of organizing it and making mashed potatoes with a ricer.  It's been a rough week. My aide at work has a daughter in the Phillipines--the poor girl rode out the typhoon barely surviving on a roof. My kids are falling apart at the prospect of having both a stepmom AND a stepdad in December. I'm falling apart wondering how I'm going to survive another month alone here and how many more mice incidents I have to clean up during that time. I know I should write them down but I'm too tired right now. Stephen drove me around in his new toy. He's worried that his wife will be too sick to go the Michael Buble concert that they have 4th row seats for, special company seats. I tried to feel bad. I talked to Mason about step families and the impact it has on...

I'm posting because my soul feels heavy and empty at the same time and I want to write exactly what's going on. I don't want sympathy comments or sideways hugs and the accompanying, obligatory, "How ARE you?!" I'm fine and this will pass. But this is my blog and I'll be an emotional wreck if I want to. Denial, betrayal, anger, depression, acceptance. These are the stages of grief. I figured out Sunday that I've been shuffling in and out of these phases since Jacob left in August. This week it's depression. I want it to go away. I talked with Jacob in a very frank discussion. We have lots of these. It's one of my favorite things about our relationship--that we can be so blatantly honest with each other. He said he's been going through these phases, too. I work with a psychologist (a fantastic one) and a speech pathologist (also fantastic). We spend a lot of time collaborating on our case load and trying to get all the paperwork done ...

I've been meaning to post this for a few months. I'm not sure why it keeps popping in my head, so I'm getting it out of my head and onto paper. Or whatever this is. My favorite blogger, Allie Brosh, wrote one of the best descriptions of depression I've ever read. I should make a four-letter word disclaimer. There are a few four-letter words. Not that this is justification, but if you've ever experienced depression, four letter words aren't accurate  or sufficient anyway.  If you want to read about depression for any reason, here you go:  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com . Scroll past the dinosaur costume post and click on "older posts". It's called Depression Part 2. Depression isn't feeling sad, it usually develops into feeling nothing.  Empty, hollow, floating. She talks about the moment she started to come out of it as seeing a piece of corn under the fridge and thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. I remember a certain t...

I've been to a Sting concert. I've been to a Paul Simon concert. But I haven't been to a Paul Simon/Sting concert. And I'm going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how to go.

My life in numbers: Basset hounds living in the backyard: 1 (landlord's dog but we deal with it everyday.) Bike baskets the dog has eaten: 2 Pumpkins the dog has eaten: 4 Times we've dragged dog poop into the house: 2 Fast food places in Santaquin that I'll eat at: 1 (Subway.) Money from the district and state I have available to use on teacher supplies: $700 Minutes it takes to get to Mapleton: 30  Houses my kids would trick-or-treat at: 10 Ex-husbands who walked with us: 1 Hobo spiders in the bathtub: 1 Mice on the kitchen counter: 2 Floating dead mice in a soaking crockpot: 1 (&%#$@) Hour time difference between here and Grenada: 3 Units of patience I have for time difference: 0 Weeks until Jacob gets back: 6 Amount of underwear in my drawer since I didn't do enough laundry this weekend: 1 *Quick side note--we had a GREAT Halloween in Mapleton. Very quiet and laid-back, my funny kids didn't really want to trick-or-treat. Hannah spent th...

This is random, but I'd thought I'd give some idea of what our lives are like other than sharing the obligatory pumpkin patch photo that everyone else has right now. *Daylight savings will end (begin?) in a week, which means the time difference between here and Grenada will be 3 hours. I might not survive the six weeks between this blasted event and Jacob's return to civilization. *Our days consist of us going to school together around 8:15 am and coming home around 4:45 pm. I thought the long days at school would be taxing on the girls, but they really enjoy being there with me and hanging out in my room before and after school. It's kind of a haven for them. *They also think it's cool to bring their friends by my room. The other day, Hannah brought in a friend and got out a bunch of my art stuff. They had a table full of an art project by the time I found them. Leah frequently stops by with her friends for Lifesavers. *Conversation at our house:   Leah: M...

My life has felt almost completely out of control, in a very controlled way, for the past few months. Hence the lack of blogging. But really, I blog because it's a place to put my thoughts and I've missed having that time to take stuff out of my head and put it on paper (screen). I've decided to not catch everyone up on the past few months because 1) I lack motivation to do so and 2) you probably have heard me rant about it in some way and 3) let's just say that I love being married to a GREAT man and my job is good. Anything else is just a side note and who cares anyway. Ok. (This line signifies the end of reasons why I haven't blogged, so let's pretend nothing happened and I've been blogging like normal.) ________________________________________________________________________________

It seems appropriate that I should say something about this being my last night as a tenant of my parents. I don't know what to say. We have been here for nearly four and a half years. I was a different person then. My kids were 5 and 2, both still in diapers (Leah couldn't make it through the night). They had a ton of strange behaviors and were semi-unsocialized. My parents took us in and gave everything they could to rehabilitate the three of us, a trio of broken, confused souls. We are happy now. We laugh, sing loud in the car, have hobbies and fight over the bathroom. My kids can ride their bikes to the park by themselves and giggle too late at night. I earned two degrees and just got my first paycheck on Friday, accompanied by a small Dairy Queen celebration. I remarried a wonderful man who is attentive, capable, intelligent, hard working, and very loving. I've thought of my tenure here at Day Manor as more of a rehab center than a place to crash because I coul...

Finally, with the new job and new husband, it was clearly time to leave Mapleton and get out of my parent's house already. Because if you're going to make life changes, let's do them all at once. The day after I was offered the job, and Jacob hadn't left me in Utah for a tropical island (nope, not bitter), we found an apartment in the town I'm working. Actually, Jacob found it, called the people and arranged to look at it, filled out the application, and pretty much took care of everything. And I can't tell you how much I LOVE having someone who is proactive on life and just takes care of things. Sooooooo....after 4 years, 3 months and a handful of days, we're leaving and venturing into the real world where a sort-of single mom works full time and takes care of kids and pretends to do laundry. We're taking a couple pieces of furniture and some boxes of old piano music and WAY TOO MANY TOYS. And a few very nice wedding gifts and some super-appreciated h...

I didn't mention in my last post what was going on with my job situation--because it's a whole other bag of fun and frankly, I just didn't feel like talking about it. So this summer, I did 13 interviews in a desperate attempt to get a job in Special Ed. Thirteen. I had a job offer at a charter school in Saratoga Springs and I verbally accepted the job. They sent me the contract--and i never heard another thing from them. All summer, I had a pit in my stomach about taking that job. It never felt right, but I had no other offers. FINALLY, the day before the wedding, Nebo School District called and said they had a job for me, and if I wanted it I would need to interview that afternoon. The job was for an elementary school position in a tiny town. Not what I had in mind, but better than taking a job I never felt good about. Short version--I interview, accept the job while still on my honeymoon, and I'm now working with 5-10 year old kids with reading and math issues (and ...

I've started this post several different times and can't seem to find the right words to describe all that has happened. at Multnomah Falls Jacob the Island Boy came to home from medical school for a 6 week summer break. I went to Texas to meet his dad and drive him up to Utah, then a few days later we drove to Newport, Oregon for a family reunion of mine (insert a round of strep throat in here). 5,000 miles and over 50 hours in the car together (and with my girls), we realized it was time to start planning a wedding. Naturally. No formal proposal, no hoopla, just let's get this thing done and get on with what we've been wanting for months anyway. Newport, OR. Not sure what the serious face is all about. We talked it over with the bishop, the stake president, and my parents extensively. We pored over the calendar and everyone's schedules. I was starting a new job with a training schedule, Jacob had to leave the country on the 11th (sob), my paren...

On my list of things I never thought I would do: Spend my daughter's birthday alone. The dad took her this year.  I'm getting more and more used to it. I'm learning to enjoy the time I have. I'm learning that the way of celebrating and doing traditions--the way I've had in my head since I was wee--doesn't have to be fixed and doesn't have to run life. I'm learning to peel away the unnecessary stuff and figure out what is really most important. I have to stop and ask myself, What will make the most difference to her right now and in the future? What does she really need to have a good day, or at least remember it as a good experience? By the way, I don't have the answers to any of those questions.  She's holding Hannah here after the dance recital. I still don't know what Hannah was crying about (I almost never know).  So excited to be swimming every day.  Also gets very tuckered out after practice. ...

Does anyone else hate the word napkins ?

6/13/2013--I wrote this post over a month ago. I was in such a bad mood and never finished it. The mood didn't lift completely but it's improving daily. Happy blogiversary to me. Here's the unfinished post: As of Monday, we can now celebrate my blog's 5th birthday. I find it fitting that I just figured that out now. On the 9th. Because if I had actually planned and prepared for a 5th anniversary of blog-tastic-ness, well, that would be so unlike me. But here's what would be like me. I'm going to tell you exactly what's on my mind and only censor a little bit. That way, we can celebrate 5 years of me telling you what's on my mind...as if anyone cares. Here it goes: 1. I've decidedly earned the title "Undomestic Goddess". This whole stay-at-home, organize like Pinterest, cook like Martha and be cultured like Oprah is totally not my bag. I feel like those baby toys where they put the shape in the right hole, except I'm shoving my st...

I stand corrected. Clearly my 5 blog readers are very faithful and would be devastated if something actually happened to this silly blog or my relatively mundane life. So if you don't blog for a period of time, where do you start? Anyone wanna hear about graduation? Of course you don't. Graduations are the most boring of all human ceremonies (except for the time I had to play the piano at someone's funeral that I didn't know and it lasted HOURS). Who in their right mind would sit and listen to 1200 names being read? Why do we do this to ourselves, people? I wore jeans and a candy lei and it felt great. Also I graduated magna cum laude and that felt great too. I think we can all agree on this: I'm so glad to see the backside of that program. It was a monumental effort and half of that degree really goes to my parents. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I graduated in Special Ed. Anyone wanna hear about how hard it is to find a job ar...

Student teaching is over.  I thought I would jump and do happy dances when it was over. Instead, I sat in the classroom as my students filtered in and out all day, giving me hugs and homemade gifts and Ms Taylor, Can you come back to visit? I didn't want to leave. I wasn't ready and never felt like the job was temporary. And then I told the principal how I felt :) There aren't any jobs around these parts right now, so I'm in limbo--trying to plan what happens next in my life and trying not to go crazy about not knowing what's happening next in my life.  My first day of no work was Monday. I wish I could say I was excited to be at home with my girls and have some time to relax. Frankly, I would have rather been at my school with my students. Mine mine mine. I dropped off Hannah at kindergarten and thought, Let's take myself on a 5 mile hike to some hot springs nearby. I'm the only tard I know that gets these hare-brained schemes. And then does them...

This is one of those times where writing might help clear up some thoughts I have. I've mentioned before that Hannah does or says something everyday that surprises me. This story is a classic example. It's been developing for a few days and has gone from shocking to hilarious and ended up at heartbreaking. Some background: Hannah had a best friend boyfriend. I don't know what else to call it. She loves him like a friend and had a kindergarten crush on the poor boy. Hannah has the emotional capacity of a 12 year old and I think it's hard for those her age to keep up with her. The Shocking: Last Thursday at dinner, Leah announced to the group that Hannah and her boy toy had been touching each other's private parts behind a tree during recess. I know I should be past the point where Hannah does something that surprises me. This caught me a little off guard, so I told Hannah we can't be doing that kind of stuff, bodies aren't to share like that, and do...

First of all, I know that looking at other people's vacation pictures can be excruciating. Thank you for being tolerant and supportive. I won't post anymore vacation pictures until the next vacation. You're welcome. Coming home has been both awful and mildly ok at the same time. I've had a major case of the tireds, but I'm also excited to wrap up this semester of student teaching and get on with life. I've got a lot on my mind and a lot of thinking/planning to do for the future. I promise I won't leave my faithful friends and family out of the loop, but I may not know what that loop is for a while. When I got home from The Big Trip, I found a candy bar poster on my bed. I actually laughed out loud! Here's what it says: "Dear Mom, U-NO us RUNTS missed you. It cost a PAYDAY or 100 GRAND to go on that SPREE. We liked the story of the WHOPPER SWEDISH FISH that did WATCHAMACALLIT in the water. LOOK, we know you had a LAFFY TAFFY SYMPHONY w...