a blended life

Remember that time when Ryan Woodward asked me to speak on Fathers Day and I was recently divorced and Brian was going to be in the congregation? That was funny.  Leah and I got asked to speak in church on resurrection. I'm happy to report that I resisted the urge to strangle the second counselor in the bishopric for assigning such a sensitive topic after the death of my dad. But I gave him a really firm speech in my mind.  I feel like it was the talk I would have given had I spoken at his funeral. It wasn't about Dad, it was about what we lose in this life and how that gets compensated through the atonement and resurrection. We lose so much, if you think about it. Jobs, miscarried babies, money, health, opportunities, trust, housing, time, respect, keys, gallbladders.  Marbles. We have dark hours of unanswered questions and really, really unfair circumstances. Those will be set right. I don't know how. But I know they will.  I talked about the paradox of feeling imm...

I'm going to submit a new mental disorder for when the new DSM VI comes out. That's years ahead of us, but that'll give me time to perfect my requirements. Grief Spectrum Disorder You know how when people talk about autism and they say it's a 'Spectrum Disorder' as if there are many 'Spectrum disorders' and this is just one of them? And you are supposed to know what that even means? It's so common now that people will say flippantly, "He's on the spectrum" and we all know what spectrum is being addressed. And I don't mean electromagnetic.  That was a side note. Something I love about grief---wait, no, there's nothing I love about grief, but something that is comforting is how everyone will experience it differently. There is such a vast way of coping with profound loss that pretty much anything goes.  So I've given myself permission to be ok with however I need to feel at any given time. It sounds a bit e...

  I'm taking up three seats and putting my feet on the bench. These are big unwritten faux pas (fox paw, Dad used to say). Feet on the floor, squeeze your huge rear into one spot.  Tonight I don't care.  This is where I go when I need to clear my head or stew about something. Or talk without kids interrupting and listening. Or just go into manhattan and be reminded that I am a small fish in a huge sea of millions who also have unanswered questions, profound loss and persistent issues.    Tourists get on. They talk too loud and their shoes are too white.  Anyway.  I get off the train at Broadway- Lafayette. My head is a little more clear and I think I have the answers I need. Or at least a piece to the puzzle. How do we survive financially from now until residency starts? What more should I be doing? Or less?    All the stations have different themes. Some are really stunning (New York Public Library, Gtand Central) and some are disgusting (Ch...

Almost a year ago, my Dad and I were having a discussion about something. I wish I knew what it was. I mentioned offhandedly the stages of grief and he immediately dismissed it, saying that the stages of grief theory was a myth. Dad, you're wrong. And if you were here I would tell you you were wrong because that's the kind of relationship we had.  Maybe stages is the wrong word. Peaks and valleys with noticeable themes or marked emotions that many people who grieve feel.  Anger is one of them. It's not my friend this month. I hate everyone and everything. If you're reading this, don't worry. I don't hate you. Today. But everything else in my path is fair game.            I hate that the world won't stop moving so I can heal and be numb as long as I want. But I think I need to opportunity to keep moving and caring for these needy, wonderful little souls so that I can heal. That healing comes from service to others. That all these broken pieces can'...

Residency is in the bag, folks! Let's stop to reflect on this milestone that this excellent news has brung ( ok I KNOW that's not a word but sometimes the sentence must say brung ): This is the first time in 15 years that I know where I will be living for the next three consecutive years. Maybe four. And five if we want Leah to finish high school in NYC.  Which is also a statement to how much instability and change I've been living with for most of my adult life. Hold your applause-- survival is still up for grabs.  New topic. Today's nor'easter, lovingly called Hella Stella by my friend. Ive been trying to explain to my Utah and west coast friends that Atlantic storms are way more powerful and unpredictable than anywhere I've lived. We had winds up to 40 mph with sideways blowing ice chunks for hours. There is no amount of clothes or shovels or 4WD that can hold up to it. So if you hear about entire cities shutting down, it's not from wimpiness or lack of s...

People who don't read this blog: 1) My kids 2) Husband 3) Husband's family 4) everyone else in the world And I want to keep it that way. This is my way to journal and record and I can't do that if I can't talk about how bat crazy my family is sometimes.  { correction: we are bat crazy all the time with only a few sane moments that no one witnesses} So Jacob and I are coming out of a long spell of really trying to get along and most of the time me hating him a lot. Disgust and loathing are accurate terms here. Some of it he deserved (nothing like infidelity or a porn addiction, just overall nincompoopiness and stupidity) and some of it he didn't. Some of it was me being a raging pregnant woman and post partum beast. And a lot of it was him being totally insecure about his medical career. As a side note, medical students have a very high rate of suicide and divorce. Anyway.  So I wanted to record that we are on the mend and working out lots of communication and what G...

You might have noticed that I simplified my template considerably, mostly to accommodate my mobile blogging. Also I just really wanted that ocean photo up all the time.  I could make a cheesy analogy about simplifying my blog and simplifying my life and motherhood and all that. But....nah. I'll just say that 'simplify' has taken new meanings the past few months and we've cut a lot of nonsense out of our lives, from donating piles of too small clothes to lessening the tween drama to eating really basic meals. I've even whittled down the baby gear to absolute essentials: crib, high chair, car seat and stroller, and a door jumper. She doesn't need anything else and I don't want the clutter anyway.  Also I'm going on Day 6 of being nearly dead with a nasty cold. I'm trying really hard to not pity myself. Failing. It feels like garbage and the house is falling apart.   

  She grabbed the subway pole. GASP!!! 😱 No one touches those things! Kid's gotta lot to learn.    They have such a sweet relationship. Lucy adores and worships the older two. They are so gentle and good with her. It's extremely precious.    This picture of food on paper plates represents something I am either proud of or ashamed of.  I don't make breakfast or lunch for my kids. Hannah made this egg the way she likes it (fried and suny side down, weird kid) and cut some fruit. And made chocolate milk. So I think it's great that they cook their own stuff but they've had to- ain't no momma in this house cooking like that all the time. They both make their own lunches the night before school, set their own alarms and are out the door on time. Without me saying a word. And I feel a huge amount of guilt about this for some reason.  I'm sure I'll be grateful someday.    What I am grateful for right now: a husband who knows how to take care of sick...

Hi, Megan!! So good to hear from you! You've been on my mind a lot lately. I hope that means you and your fam are ok. Here's an answer to your question: The Match, or more accurately, THE GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL MATCH OF DOOM AMD DREAD, is where medical students find out where they do residency and in what specialty. Think of it as an arranged marriage. I will figure out how to post comments eventually. For now, this will do :)  Jacob and I have been making an effort to go out more-- for several reasons. Mostly to build our relationship, because we actually genuinely enjoy each other's company. But also to get away from those needy children and for pete's sake, we live in the fun capital of the country.  Tonight was my choice so we went to Greek restaurant in the middle of Chinatown. The sign was in Chinese and I walked by it twice, not thinking it would be a Greek place. The food was very good and we always have a lot to talk about. We wandered Chinatown and Canal stree...

I used to think that diversity meant 'anything that was different from me.' So if I went to a school/church/city/whatever that had, say, a large Mexican population, I would consider it diverse (like on my mission.) Or if I lived in a neighborhood that was 90% Cuban, I thought it was diverse (like Miami.)  I was wrong. Those situations only represented two major demographics: white and Latin. That's not diversity, that's just two different ethnic groups and one of them is not my ethnic group. And one of them I wished was my ethnic group because their food and music is better.  NYC, for the most part, does not have diverse neighborhoods. People from any given country (Jamaica, India, Italy, Korea, etc) live together in groups across the city. There's not a lot of mixing up groups, either. You aren't going to find a Pakistani family living in a black neighborhood. These things don't happen.  Unless a couple of white, ignorant idiots rent an apartment in the Ben...