a blended life

Sometimes I want to talk about going to court. Mostly I want to forget it exists.  I have to go this week. I tried to get an adjournment until school was out because I’m out of leave, but that lasted a whopping 9 days. I don’t even know the full story—either Jacob made a big deal out Lucy’s medical needs and they granted him a sooner hearing, or the child advocate attorney is in a rush to get us back in court. Either way, no one cares about my job or my other kids or anything about my life. Including every single attorney.  Sometimes I’m so angry and hurt and shocked that I can’t speak full sentences or complete simple tasks. And sometimes the anxiety of wondering what will happen causes me to not speak full sentences or complete simple tasks.  And Hannah asked me why I always have my head in my hands. Leah pulled me aside and insisted that I order groceries online. Both are so angry and hurt that they struggle talking to people sometimes nd feel cheated out of a normal c...

I’ve missed you, Bloggy McBlogpants.  I realized today that I badly needed to complain about how Toddlerville is kicking my butt— but I had no one to talk to. {insert weepy violin music} And then I remembered I have been talking to my blog for ten years (WHAT) and its always been my go-to dumping ground for all things I can’t handle anymore.  But I feel disloyal, Bloggy, because I haven’t written about the sheer legal terror that has unfolded since December. And it feels wrong to just pick up writing without explicitly describing the nightmare we are ungracefully trying to navigate.  I can’t write about that stuff. I’m not ready, it’s still brewing with no end in sight and even retelling the events of the past month send me into a fit of PTSD. Followed by a depressing round of failure, hopeless ridden thoughts.  I asked for a break in court appearances. I asked for Lucy to not have to visit visit her dad until we get closer to the end of school. I can’t take days off...

I thought my next post would have some good news.  I thought everything would resolve and Jacob would have moved back in before the girls got back from their stupid visit with their stupid dad and the whole thing would have been just a crazy moment of residency panic.  But panic turned into lies and more lies and pretty soon I found myself standing in front of the Marriott on Jay Street, receiving a text that he was at the birth of his twin sons, so sorry he can't make it to the child support hearing and by the way he hadn't picked out names yet.  And then twin sons turned into lies and more lies. And I found myself standing in the middle of his new apartment, a dump of a place that he moved into in July with the other woman and her handful of kids from different men. His mom is there holding one of the new babies. Why do they look Latin? And I give this crew a firm, honest piece of my mind. The injustice, dishonesty, untrustworthiness and absolute psychosis that I've had...

Jacob had the day off. We made plans to go out to eat and see the fireworks at Coney Island. I went to a church BBQ while he studied.  When I got back, all his stuff was gone. He'd moved out and into an airbnb for three weeks. Or longer. I don't know.  Some things I know: 1. I feel strongly that this is a result of a mental health breakdown. We've all been through too much but he also had the stress and anxiety of starting residency.  2. I go through periods of hating him and not letting him back and periods of wanting to work it out. Mostly the first one.  3. The state denied my application for teacher certification which means I'm back to begging for work as an unqualified teacher.  Which narrows my options and irritates me like you wouldn't believe.  4. So basically I'm alone with Lucy in this apartment all day and night. Unless I want to battle the humidity and go somewhere. She started singing Row Row Row Your Boat today and I almost died of cute. It s...

1. This morning I got up at 3:45 am to get the girls to the airport for their summer visit with ___________. Fill in the blank with your favorite name for my ex husband. My dad called him Beavis and I'm all about honoring my dad's good name right now, so Beavis it is. And you can't have Beavis without Butthead, which is so fitting for his wife and oh I could go on about their shenanigans and trying to blame me for their failing marriage but that would sound like a bad reality show so I won't bother. I digress.  We barely made their flight. Lucy and I had to wait at the gait until the plane left the ground and by the time we got home from JFK it was 9 am. Someone asked me if I was glad their leaving so I could have time to myself. NO, PEOPLE!!!!! T was a very hard goodbye and they had to say bye to Lucy. Who in earth wants a month off from their young kids?! Sheesh. Which leads me to-- 2. Today was Jacobs first official day of residency. Amen and hallelujah that it's...

Did I forget to mention that I got some uncool blood tests back? That showed massive inflammation and a likely autoimmune disease? And that I have to wait until new insurance kicks in to get more help? Jacob thinks it's lupus. How fitting that he worked at a rheumatology clinic last year and knows all about treatments and whatnot. I'm going to the clinic this week and will hopefully get some answers.  I'm not ready to talk about my mother in law's visit yet. Better that we don't discuss it now or I'll be up all night writing speeches in my head. If you'd like an idea of what it's like to be around her, do a google search of 'adult female aspergers.'  Leah had a lovely birthday-- she earned a trip to Six Flags for being one of the top ten seventh graders in academics and behavior. (In NYC public schools, behavior is meticulously tracked and recorded. And rewarded.) The trip was on her birthday, so she came home later than normal. We had a laid bac...

Why aren't six word stories more of a thing? Some of us don't like to prattle on and on. We need six words to sum up and get the point across. For example: Regarding a miserable shopping attempt in midtown Manhattan today: Hot trash Sweaty tourists Blowing everywhere.  Regarding my health and some blood  tests that showed possible autoimmune disease: Blood work explains Nothing and everything Regarding the fact that we STILL don't know if Brian will have the girls for a month this summer (which I hope they don't): Biological dad still can't pay expenses.  Regarding Lucy: Teething busybody, please start walking already.  You know, I guess it takes more than six words since I had to overexplain afterall. Fine.  A memory that keeps popping in my head: Sometime last year, in Vancouver. I'm talking to my dad about Elder Cristofferson's Mormon message about the currant bush that gets cut into a stub. I lamely lament that I've been cut into a stub, since at the...