Court

Sometimes I want to talk about going to court. Mostly I want to forget it exists. 

I have to go this week. I tried to get an adjournment until school was out because I’m out of leave, but that lasted a whopping 9 days. I don’t even know the full story—either Jacob made a big deal out Lucy’s medical needs and they granted him a sooner hearing, or the child advocate attorney is in a rush to get us back in court. Either way, no one cares about my job or my other kids or anything about my life. Including every single attorney. 

Sometimes I’m so angry and hurt and shocked that I can’t speak full sentences or complete simple tasks. And sometimes the anxiety of wondering what will happen causes me to not speak full sentences or complete simple tasks. 

And Hannah asked me why I always have my head in my hands. Leah pulled me aside and insisted that I order groceries online. Both are so angry and hurt that they struggle talking to people sometimes nd feel cheated out of a normal childhood. Which makes me hysterically depressed. 


Sorry about the inconsequential pic. I can’t figure out how to delete it. It’s Leah and her friend riding bikes but you can’t really see them. 

My dad is near. He’s shown up in a few dreams— always positive, always standing by when I need a hug. He shows up everyday in Lucy’s favorite bluegrass music and Hannah’s quick cynicism and Leah’s love of milkshakes. His presence is loud and his actions are undeniable. I don’t know how to manage this act of terror that is trying to sink me, but I know he does. 

On a positive note, I really love my job. I never, ever dread going to work or drag my feet out the door. I genuinely love teaching kids how to blend phonemes. It’s so geeky 🤓. 

Leah started swim team. She’s so happy every time she goes and comes home glowing. She decided to swim in high school and made some personal goals. I’m proud of her but mostly just really, really grateful for her awesome self. When everything around me is in flames I feel a tremendous gratitude for the good kids that are dragging me through the mud right now. 

Hannah started cello last month and learned Twinkle Twinkle and a few others. She’s doing well and has a nice group of friends. Hannah and Lucy are very close (they all are) but I can count on her to step in and help with a screaming tot no matter what. She is my right hand man sometimes, and so capable. 

Lucy is coming out of a few months of fevers and nonstop illness. We spent last Tuesday night at Primary Children’s having a host of issues taken care of —blood work, IV, ears flushed, heart checked out. She came home feeling much better and hasn’t spiked since. She is speaking a TON, cute little phrases that make us smile. “You want apple? Mmm, so good.” She shares her food, throws garbage away, sings, dances, and reads like crazy. Of all her toys and activities, she will sit and read to herself the most. 

But she is a 26 lb dictator. We can’t go to stores or nearly any errands. She won’t sit in a stroller for very long. Usually it will take all three (me, Leah and Hannah) to get her out of the store or public place once she’s had a meltdown. And those meltdowns happen within the first five minutes. She is my messiest kid, too. Playing with cigarette butts, sucking on sprinkler heads, covered head to toe in sidewalk chalk and mud, peanut butter is used like lotion, toys and laundry scattered and thrown in seconds. I can’t keep up. Today she took one bite of every strawberry and hid them in the closet. I found it tonight when I threw my shoes on it. 

I’m tired, people. Tired. And angry. 


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