Grief Spectrum Disorder

I'm going to submit a new mental disorder for when the new DSM VI comes out. That's years ahead of us, but that'll give me time to perfect my requirements.

Grief Spectrum Disorder

You know how when people talk about autism and they say it's a 'Spectrum Disorder' as if there are many 'Spectrum disorders' and this is just one of them? And you are supposed to know what that even means? It's so common now that people will say flippantly, "He's on the spectrum" and we all know what spectrum is being addressed. And I don't mean electromagnetic. 

That was a side note.

Something I love about grief---wait, no, there's nothing I love about grief, but something that is comforting is how everyone will experience it differently. There is such a vast way of coping with profound loss that pretty much anything goes. 

So I've given myself permission to be ok with however I need to feel at any given time. It sounds a bit entitled but frankly, I don't care. If I try to conform to something I will crumble completely. 

Let's talk about crumbling. 

I've been spiraling this week into an ugly kind of anxiety, something that I thought was directed at pesky finances but I'm realizing is actually generalized anxiety with some saucy panic sprinkled in. I didn't realize I was failing so bad at life until the past 24 hours or so. I'm on the verge of hysterical bawling all the time, I don't want to leave the house because it just sounds too hard, my heart is racing and I've developed some irrational fears about Lucy being cared for by others. It's so bad that I've misparked the car and racked up $350 in parking tickets in ONE DAY. Which is causing more panic because I can't pay them. 

Ugh.

Jacob says it makes sense, my dad was a rock and foundation in my life and now that he's gone, I feel lost and insecure. I've become clingy about Jacob leaving the house or working long hours. I text Leah probably too much when she's walking home. I've become OCD about buckling Lucy's stroller and car seat. 

{insert helpful doctor husband with blood pressure cuff and backup supply of Xanax and fluoxetine}

In other news, Lucy sprouted a wicked fever while shopping tonight. She's miserable and actually moans. It's so pathetic and cute.

Side note: We went swimsuit shopping. I told Leah I would try on a bikini for her (to prove that I love my body---man, that was hard). We modeled suits for each other and gave compliments, except Hannah, who told me she was scarred for life after seeing my high waist two piece that I actually thought was kind of cute. Little turkey.


Comments

Larri-Lea said…
Oh, Hannah, you have such a wonderful way of reminding us of reality! I am glad to hear that you are finding ways of functioning through this foggy little nightmare. If you didn't have Jacob and the kids, you would sink. But I also know there are legions of angels supporting and caring for you at this time. I truly know that family from the past are making sure you don't go down for the third time. And Dad - he is always there, doing what he can. Do you remember how if he knew you had a dream or fantasy, he would do all he could to make it happen for you? Well, he is still doing that. I know it. I love you so much, Carrie.
March 28, 2017 at 12:57 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

NYE

New Year’s Eve 2009: Mapleton, UT I left Brian  in Logan and took the girls down to visit my parents for the new year. I felt bad and I felt relieved. I needed a break from him. We didn’t have money for food. He spiraled and never climbed out.  New Years Eve 2014: Mapleton, UT I went to Utah with my girls and left Jacob in Miami. He could have come but made up an excuse about studying and visiting his dad instead. Always talked about visiting his dad—alone— when I talked about a family visit. New Year’s Eve consisted of me, my parents and Stephen and laurel. There might have been some others that left earlier. I took no pictures. The new year rang in and felt so alone and empty. Did Jacob even care?  New Years Eve 2015: Vancouver, WA Pregnant with Lucy, unable to work, Jacob had just failed the most important test that would allow him into residency, I decided to wait out the remainder of the pregnancy at my parent’s new house. This move was one of the most humiliating ex...
Read more

Parent Teacher Conference

Dear Mom, You left 4 months ago. You clearly didn't mean to leave when you did, with your shoes sitting by the door and your unfinished paper boxes of chocolates for Relief Society. No one else wants to hear how the girls are doing. No one else has lived with us for so long and understands them and the dynamics of my family like you do. I've retreated into my own silence and my own world, desperately trying to survive each day--sometimes each hour--knowing that although so many friends and family care (and I couldn't survive without their support), there is really no one left that has experienced firsthand the horror story I'm starring in. We had parent teacher conferences last night at Leah and Hannah's school. We had to bring Lucy, who wet her pants twice and cried to go home. Here's a summary of teacher comments: HANNAH: *a natural leader *most well-liked student *grades range from 85 (one class) to 93-99 (every other class) *no missing assignment...
Read more

3 Years

Image
The social media version: “A new burger place in Park Slope— pretty good but girls still love Black Tap better. I love the exposed brick and VW van counter.” The reality: We were supposed to go to burgers last night to remember Dad on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I was very sick this weekend. Leah had a fever of 105— I’m gonna day that again— 105 and Lucy was being picked up by her clown father. No one was ok. We somehow made it out of the house today but we could hardly talk about Dad/Grandpa. Hannah regrets that she doesn’t remember much. Leah is deeply grieving a very special connection they had. She cries silently. I am physically wasted with a chest cold, anxious about how Lucy is doing at her dad’s house and too broken to help anyone. Our world went dark three years ago and the light hasn’t come back on.  The social media version: I can’t even write it because it’s not in my nature to sound so fake.  The reality:  Her clown father took her to a party for the g...
Read more