Grief, Month 2

Almost a year ago, my Dad and I were having a discussion about something. I wish I knew what it was. I mentioned offhandedly the stages of grief and he immediately dismissed it, saying that the stages of grief theory was a myth.

Dad, you're wrong. And if you were here I would tell you you were wrong because that's the kind of relationship we had. 

Maybe stages is the wrong word. Peaks and valleys with noticeable themes or marked emotions that many people who grieve feel. 

Anger is one of them. It's not my friend this month. I hate everyone and everything. If you're reading this, don't worry. I don't hate you. Today. But everything else in my path is fair game. 

 
    

I hate that the world won't stop moving so I can heal and be numb as long as I want. But I think I need to opportunity to keep moving and caring for these needy, wonderful little souls so that I can heal. That healing comes from service to others. That all these broken pieces can't find their shape if I try and do this alone under my covers.  

Lucy has taken huge leaps this past week. She's said about 4-5 words--Mama, Dada, Hannah (Anna), hi and I swear she said 'good' today. It's not surprising to hear her speak. She's been extremely vocal since birth and would cry in complete sentences. She tells jibberish stories and has very defined opinions on food and toys. Batteries: thumbs up. Scrambled eggs: thumbs down.
She hates crawling on the hard floors and is trying to stand up. She's into everything--pulling cords, ripping books, dumping over a garbage can, eating diapers, getting stuck in the couch, ramming her head on everything. I'm worn out. She's delightful and full of life and I hate that I'm not enjoying this month of development. 

I hate that Jacob got into residency and I'm too sad to celebrate. I hate that my girls got glowing reviews at their parent teacher conferences with nearly straight A's and I feel huge guilt that I don't even know what their working on in math or what book their reading. I hate the school for having school when my dad died because the world was supposed to stop for him. For me and my siblings and uncles.  But especially for my mom.

Comments

Larri-Lea said…
I, too, realized that the world did not stop when Dad died. How could that possibly be? Doesn't the world know what a wonderful, influential, funny, spiritual, dedicated, loyal, loving person he was? How could they not stop and respect that? But he would not want the world to stop too long to honor him - there is just too much to experience. I am struggling with that idea, and I am so sorry that you are having to function with that reality, also. You have a wonderful family and I am grateful they are allowing you to go through this process as you need to. Did he really argue against stages of grief??? He must have had an argument about stages, not grief. Doesn't sound like him. He felt grief deeply. But I'm glad you feel like you could argue with him. Everyone needed to feel that way with Dad! He loved a good juxtaposition of ideas. I pray for you daily, that you will have the strength to do what is required with your sweet family and yourself. But most of all, I pray you will find peace with all of this. I love you so much.
March 28, 2017 at 12:47 PM
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