a blended life

Jacob had the day off. We made plans to go out to eat and see the fireworks at Coney Island. I went to a church BBQ while he studied.  When I got back, all his stuff was gone. He'd moved out and into an airbnb for three weeks. Or longer. I don't know.  Some things I know: 1. I feel strongly that this is a result of a mental health breakdown. We've all been through too much but he also had the stress and anxiety of starting residency.  2. I go through periods of hating him and not letting him back and periods of wanting to work it out. Mostly the first one.  3. The state denied my application for teacher certification which means I'm back to begging for work as an unqualified teacher.  Which narrows my options and irritates me like you wouldn't believe.  4. So basically I'm alone with Lucy in this apartment all day and night. Unless I want to battle the humidity and go somewhere. She started singing Row Row Row Your Boat today and I almost died of cute. It s...

1. This morning I got up at 3:45 am to get the girls to the airport for their summer visit with ___________. Fill in the blank with your favorite name for my ex husband. My dad called him Beavis and I'm all about honoring my dad's good name right now, so Beavis it is. And you can't have Beavis without Butthead, which is so fitting for his wife and oh I could go on about their shenanigans and trying to blame me for their failing marriage but that would sound like a bad reality show so I won't bother. I digress.  We barely made their flight. Lucy and I had to wait at the gait until the plane left the ground and by the time we got home from JFK it was 9 am. Someone asked me if I was glad their leaving so I could have time to myself. NO, PEOPLE!!!!! T was a very hard goodbye and they had to say bye to Lucy. Who in earth wants a month off from their young kids?! Sheesh. Which leads me to-- 2. Today was Jacobs first official day of residency. Amen and hallelujah that it's...

Did I forget to mention that I got some uncool blood tests back? That showed massive inflammation and a likely autoimmune disease? And that I have to wait until new insurance kicks in to get more help? Jacob thinks it's lupus. How fitting that he worked at a rheumatology clinic last year and knows all about treatments and whatnot. I'm going to the clinic this week and will hopefully get some answers.  I'm not ready to talk about my mother in law's visit yet. Better that we don't discuss it now or I'll be up all night writing speeches in my head. If you'd like an idea of what it's like to be around her, do a google search of 'adult female aspergers.'  Leah had a lovely birthday-- she earned a trip to Six Flags for being one of the top ten seventh graders in academics and behavior. (In NYC public schools, behavior is meticulously tracked and recorded. And rewarded.) The trip was on her birthday, so she came home later than normal. We had a laid bac...

Why aren't six word stories more of a thing? Some of us don't like to prattle on and on. We need six words to sum up and get the point across. For example: Regarding a miserable shopping attempt in midtown Manhattan today: Hot trash Sweaty tourists Blowing everywhere.  Regarding my health and some blood  tests that showed possible autoimmune disease: Blood work explains Nothing and everything Regarding the fact that we STILL don't know if Brian will have the girls for a month this summer (which I hope they don't): Biological dad still can't pay expenses.  Regarding Lucy: Teething busybody, please start walking already.  You know, I guess it takes more than six words since I had to overexplain afterall. Fine.  A memory that keeps popping in my head: Sometime last year, in Vancouver. I'm talking to my dad about Elder Cristofferson's Mormon message about the currant bush that gets cut into a stub. I lamely lament that I've been cut into a stub, since at the...

Or: Carrie Never Faileth To Be A Charity Case Tonight at a youth activity, Leah got teased for having a mom that has had so many problems this year. The girl comes from a family that is notorious for causing problems. They give us all kinds of grief in Primary so I wasn't super shocked. She felt terrible. I feel terrible. It's reached a point where I don't want to mention anything to anyone. I just want to quietly disappear and not be the problem child anymore. Or better yet, go back to a place in time where I had friendships I could maintain, callings I could easily do, hobbies (what!) and where everyday wasn't a fight to get to the end of it without some big fallout.  And I'd like the bishop to stop calling me Job. 

First of all, thank you so much for the comments. I love them and I promise no one here has asked a stupid miscarriage question!  Memorial Day weekend can be summed up in one sentence: icy, despondent grief. That's a sentence fragment but I'm not gonna fix it.  We had a dinner for my Dad on his birthday--drumsticks, Fritos, Diet Pepsi, salad with cabbage (I can't stomach coleslaw so we had an alternative) and cherry pie. We listened to Paul Simon and Alison Kraus and cried on the bed.  Only one problem, though. I got super sick on Monday and by Tuesday night, I could barely stand up without shaking. It was so bad on Wednesday with fever, chills, chest pain, aches, etc that I took myself to the doctor. I hate doctors but the guy I go to is really good so I suck it up. And I have pneumonia.  Because May really wants to kick my butt. In fact, we haven't had a good month in....months?  Actually I can barely move. And I hope it goes away fast. What's worse than pneum...

It's been a sad month for me. So much loss, disappointment and feeling in limbo.  Is Lucy a baby or a toddler? Is jacob a doctor or resident? Am I a working mom or a stay at home mom? Is it summer when we still have a month of school? Is my dad out of my life or is he closer than he ever was? Am I a mom to three kids or eight? Will I have more kids or is this it? First birthdays are always hard for me. It felt like we were burying her first year of life instead celebrating what is to come. By this time I was one week post-miscarriage and just not feeling it.  Luckily, she loved all of it. I don't recall seeing a one year old get excited about presents, but nothing about this kid has been very typical or predictable. She lights up my soul every day and I know she was sent here to fill up an otherwise black, confusing existence.          Jacob got her a batman figurine. No comment. Happy first year of life, darling baby. It's been a doozy.   *******...