What to Expect When You Didn't Expect to be Expecting

Remember all those health problems that started in Utah and blew up in Miami? And all those scans and blood work and months of bedridden madness? And there was a nodule on my thyroid and all kinds of messed up weirdness?

And then I moved to NY and stopped having all the issues?

We never expected to have kids. It was assumed that we were a four person family and we were happy this way.. He's good with the girls.

I knew I was pregnant for full weekend before I told anyone. I needed a good three days to silently panic, curse (not really, I never curse), elate, sleep, and repeat the cycle a million times throughout those days. We were in the middle of impossible circumstances that I couldn't see anyway out of. 

So I came clean on Monday morning. A week or two ago. And it was met with a pretty emotional reaction on all sides. 

All Jacob has ever secretly wanted was a baby. But he won't admit it.

Hannah has been wanting something to take care of. To dress, feed, and comb. 

Leah wins the awkward award. She first hoped it would be a boy, so that when she visits her dad, the baby could come and there would be more boys there. I had to gently set that one straight. Then she kept asking when I would tell her dad. Then she kept asking, "So when did this all happen, exactly?" I finally told her to knock it off. 

I've had four miscarriages. I'm in a sticky situation right now. I don't actually believe this pregnancy will make it another month, but I'm already so chunky that I don't fit in ANY of my clothes. 

So we don't know what to expect. Most days, I'm too sick to function. I feel guilt that the girls have to be home with me. I'm starving but nothing sounds good. I'm nauseous every night at 4 am, which lasts most of the morning. I have outrageous fatigue. My filter is gone, so words that come out of my mouth are so much more raw and blunt than is typical for me (and yes, I know I can raw and blunt on a good day). I'm trying to convince Hannah that her position as smallest and cutest in the family won't be completely ousted. I'm trying to answer all of Leah's anxiety-ridden question, regardless of how awkward they are. I'm trying to not be shocked by how much Jacob doesn't understand about pregnancy (what are they teaching you?!). 

I had to buy a maternity outfit today. Out of sheer desperation. The girls came and I tried it on with them in the fitting room. They approved. 

Oh, and a quick update: I had a another round of major blood work. You know, the 12 vial kind. Every single part of it, from hormone levels, thyroid, cholesterol, diabetes, etc, was completely within healthy range. Jacob calls it a true medical miracle. I just want to go to bed. 

If you're reading this and this is news to you, please don't be offended that you didn't get a personal call or text! I'm sorry!