Mother’s Day

He was supposed to bring her back today. He texted first thing this morning, saying he couldn’t afford a ticket and shouldn’t my family be chipping in more and no one respects his schedule. But I could skype her as much as I wanted. 

This is good, everyone says. He’s hung himself. He’s in contempt of court now, something we’ve been trying to pin on him from the beginning. But he always gets away from it by a hair, a flimsy excuse or fast talking. He kept you from having Mother’s Day with your toddler. 

I spend a tremendous amount of time figuring out people’s motives. I get paid to figure out why a kid acts out in school and offer mildly helpful suggestions. Jacob’s motives are typically transparent and selfish. And all about money. 

But this is different. I felt a strong assurance that this was a deliberate attempt to sabotage Mother’s Day. And vindictive, oppositional protest against my court battles. He must know he’s lost primary custody. 

So now I will wake up with two out of three daughters who are bewildered by my intense longing for Lucy, despite my many attempts to reassure them that I love them equally as much. We will cling to each other all morning, each of us confused and worried about our orange peanut. We’ll go to church and I’ll skillfully avoid my new friends, wonderful, deeply empathetic men and women who genuinely care. I hope no one asks how I’m doing. And we will not being able to fold one of her sleepers or step on a dinosaur without tearing up. 

She belongs here. And he knows it.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

NYE

New Year’s Eve 2009: Mapleton, UT I left Brian  in Logan and took the girls down to visit my parents for the new year. I felt bad and I felt relieved. I needed a break from him. We didn’t have money for food. He spiraled and never climbed out.  New Years Eve 2014: Mapleton, UT I went to Utah with my girls and left Jacob in Miami. He could have come but made up an excuse about studying and visiting his dad instead. Always talked about visiting his dad—alone— when I talked about a family visit. New Year’s Eve consisted of me, my parents and Stephen and laurel. There might have been some others that left earlier. I took no pictures. The new year rang in and felt so alone and empty. Did Jacob even care?  New Years Eve 2015: Vancouver, WA Pregnant with Lucy, unable to work, Jacob had just failed the most important test that would allow him into residency, I decided to wait out the remainder of the pregnancy at my parent’s new house. This move was one of the most humiliating ex...
Read more

Parent Teacher Conference

Dear Mom, You left 4 months ago. You clearly didn't mean to leave when you did, with your shoes sitting by the door and your unfinished paper boxes of chocolates for Relief Society. No one else wants to hear how the girls are doing. No one else has lived with us for so long and understands them and the dynamics of my family like you do. I've retreated into my own silence and my own world, desperately trying to survive each day--sometimes each hour--knowing that although so many friends and family care (and I couldn't survive without their support), there is really no one left that has experienced firsthand the horror story I'm starring in. We had parent teacher conferences last night at Leah and Hannah's school. We had to bring Lucy, who wet her pants twice and cried to go home. Here's a summary of teacher comments: HANNAH: *a natural leader *most well-liked student *grades range from 85 (one class) to 93-99 (every other class) *no missing assignment...
Read more

3 Years

Image
The social media version: “A new burger place in Park Slope— pretty good but girls still love Black Tap better. I love the exposed brick and VW van counter.” The reality: We were supposed to go to burgers last night to remember Dad on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I was very sick this weekend. Leah had a fever of 105— I’m gonna day that again— 105 and Lucy was being picked up by her clown father. No one was ok. We somehow made it out of the house today but we could hardly talk about Dad/Grandpa. Hannah regrets that she doesn’t remember much. Leah is deeply grieving a very special connection they had. She cries silently. I am physically wasted with a chest cold, anxious about how Lucy is doing at her dad’s house and too broken to help anyone. Our world went dark three years ago and the light hasn’t come back on.  The social media version: I can’t even write it because it’s not in my nature to sound so fake.  The reality:  Her clown father took her to a party for the g...
Read more