Top Ten List

This month has been an incredible whirlwind of decisions, issues, money problems, decisions, more money problems and frankly, really fantastic Florida weather. I've decided that I'm decidedly bad at summarizing and have a tendency to either 1) leave out really important information and 2) go on and on about menial stuff. So I'm doing a top ten list tonight in hopes of capturing the essence of my month without doing either of those things. These aren't in order, by the way. That would take too long to decide.

10) Leah won 2nd place in the school spelling bee. Out of 250 kids. This school is serious about competition and doesn't give everyone trophies and accolades. There are clear winners and losers, and believe me, there were quite a few kids in tears afterward. She's quite relieved to not be in 10th place but a tad sad at not having won first. She's proud and so are we for how brave she was to get up on stage and spell hard words. I don't believe she will ever misspell the word 'parameters' again in her life.

9) We went to a time share presentation in North Miami Beach at a swanky resort. We had to suffer through 2.5 hours of being toured around the hotel, plus a lengthy explanation of why their vacation plan was such a steal. Obviously we aren't in a place to sign up for something like that and I don't know that I would do it if I could. However, we snagged a free lunch (view of the beach/ocean. Lovely), some Dave and Buster's coupons we are going to use for Hannah's upcoming birthday, and best of all, some free nights at a resort in Orlando. Score! I'm so excited. That's where these sweet blown hair pictures came from:

8) We had to get rid of the cat. I feel terrible. I'm sad for the girls who got attache so quickly. I'm sad for Jacob who loved the sorry critter more than anyone else, and I'm just really sorry. He got to the point where he was spraying on the stairs several times a day. We had to let him go back to the rescue place and I don't think anyone has recovered yet. 

7) I haven't had any extremely bad health issues lately, just minor ones. A cold, a small bout of a stomach virus, a bit of tiredness. I don't have the major symptoms and issues that I was having before Christmas and we're all on pins and needles hoping that it stays that way for at least a little while. All of you that deal with autoimmune diseases on a daily basis--you have my complete awe and respect.

6) The temperature in my room is almost always 80 degrees no matter what I try. Right now we are experiencing a...ahem....cold snap and the temp in my room in now 77. Brrrr.

5) Jacob has started the process of scheduling his 4th year of med school. This turned out to be a load of stress that we almost couldn't deal with. It involved a possible move to NYC, plus a residency application that is due this fall. It has taken him most of the month to sort out the requirements and try to match those requirements with a good placement for the year. It's exhausting and I don't know when we will have definite information. Sound familiar? Like last year? I'm trying to get used to this lifestyle and not make any assumptions or plans. It's disconcerting, mildly put.

4) I've been playing the part of stay at home mom this month. Previously, work was out of the question due to health. Now that I'm feeling better I've been reconsidering this option heavily. On the one hand, I don't know how I would pull off working. On the other hand, I don't know how we will financially pull of me not working. It's a hot mess.

3) Hannah started taking an acrobatics class this month. She wants to be a contortionist. She wants to compete and be on stage all the time. She was lividly angry and heartbroken when I told her we couldn't do her end of year recital because we'd already be in Utah by then. Which leads me to #2.

2) I've noticed a distinguishable difference in the girls since we came back from Utah. They are more sullen, depressed and withdrawn. It's been most noticeable with Hannah, who texted me everyday from her dad's house with pleas to pick her up and get her out of there. Leah is more open with her feelings and will talk with me about how much she misses her dad, etc. I think the reality of how far away we live and the reality of the divorce is so much more tangible now. I know they have questions that I can't answer. I don't really know what they need or how to help. It's given me the sinking feeling that they are struggling and wavering way more than I can see or have the ability to help. I'm very scared for them. I've been doing everything I can think of to make things predictable and safe and fun and spiritual and loving. It's made me stop and think, Was there a better way? What could I have done to prevent this? Did I screw up so bad somewhere that my children have to suffer? What if I hadn't married Jacob? The thought of that option seems so ridiculous and farfetched, almost like it wasn't an option to begin with. We would be in Small-town Utah, living meagerly off my teacher's salary. We would eat ramen for dinner because I was too tired to do anything else. I would still be single and they would still be spending every other weekend with their dad. No, methinks. This was not the better way. This was the safe, scared way, and not even a sure safe bet. I took a huge risk by moving us out here and pretty much nothing has turned out the way we wanted. But every time I question these things and pray about it, I feel the same way. We are in the right place. This was an important move for all of us. And it's not my place to shield them from experiences and heartache, it's my place to teach them how to do hard things. But still, they are struggling and I can't ignore the pit in my stomach.

1) I got nothing after the heavy #2.