New Year, Same Old Me


I realized a few things about myself lately. 1) I blog when I'm really tired, 2) I don't make any sense when I'm tired and 3) I'm always tired.

I feel a health update coming on.....


*Health update: I feel GREAT. My back doesn't hurt (read: I can get out of bed without screeching in pain), I am not nearly as fatigued as I was, I don't have random illnesses that I can't fight off, and my huge bloated body is finally returning to its normal, chunky state.

I started to feel better on Christmas Day at 5 o'clock. I know that sounds like a tv movie kind of thing to say, but it's true and I'm not complaining. It was just in time to get ready for our last minute trip to Utah. I thought the girls would be excited to go and would want to spend a week with their dad. However, the whole thing was met with resistance and tears and anxiety. Especially once they learned that they would be spending most of the time with their dad and not with Grandma. I make a point to only speak positively about their dad and to let them explore that relationship as much as possible (this is really hard to do, by the way), so I guess I was caught off guard by the resistance. They haven't yet said anything positive about life with dad and his new wife and step kids even though I've encouraged them. I'm not sure what to make of it and I'm trying to not overthink it. 

Here they are at the Minneapolis airport being not very happy:



At the Salt Lake airport being very happy:


We flew in on the night of snowstorm that continued into the next day. They had to spend time with their next-door neighbor friend who has an attitude problem.



They spent the week with their dad. I don't totally know how it went, but I'm sure they had some good moments. Hannah could not wait to get out of there and texted me frequently with things like, "Get me out of here now" and "When will the week be over" and other heart wrenching statements. They are older, the questions are getting harder to answer and the difficulty of divorce and long distance are very tangible. I constantly second guess my own actions and words and I'm in a constant state of trying to figure out what will help them turn out to be normal, well-adjusted individuals.

For me, the rest of the week can be summed up in a few simple activities:

1) lay in bed for hours
2) do a puzzle that was extremely hard and unfinishable
3) eat chocolate oranges
4) visit family 


New Year's Eve without Jacob was a tad depressing but the night turned out really fun. The entire party consisted of me, my parents, and Stephen and Laurel. We decided to have a short 'meeting--talking about the year, some changes we want to make and hopes for the new year. It turned into a 2 hour therapy session of talking about our deep issues and disappointments of the year as well as some great successes. Then we spent nearly 3 hours playing 7 Wonders, a way fun game that I hope to play again.



Happy New Year! It really was a wonderful night, even if my husband was 2000 miles away. :(


I got the opportunity to visit Mindy (always a good time) and Sarah, my best friend growing up. We haven't seen each other in years and it was so fun to catch up. I wish we had had more time, but what we did have was lovely. I love these girls!



I can't pull up pictures of my sister's visit at the end of the week. She and her fam came down from Logan to see us for a way, way too short amount of time. I think it was harder for me that I thought it would be. Why do we have to live so far away? I need her and love our relationship. I need all of them. I love them and care about them and am terrible at maintaining relationships and distance makes it so much harder for me. UGH. I don't really want to live in Utah, I just want all my friends and family in one place. Is that too much to ask? 

We came home to Miami on a red-eye flight that I'd like to forget about. Honestly, the girls did amazing. A few fusses but really they held it together. We left Mapleton at 10 pm and drove into Sabal Chase (our little corner of Miami) at 2:30 pm the next day. As we were boarding the plane in Minneapolis after our layover, we got stuck in that jetway thing--UNHEATED--in -9 weather for 10 minutes. I thought I would turn blue and die right there. Then we flew into Miami and it was 84 degrees. I've never experienced a 93 degree temperature change in one day. And I hope to never experience that again.

The adjustment back has been hard work but we're doing well. Both girls are back into the swing of school and homework and friends and our week in the Arctic is becoming a memory. Jacob started his psychiatry rotation and found out that he loves it deeply, so he's planning on applying for residency in psychiatry. I'm happy about this--it's a great field with lots of opportunities and flexibility. It's a good fit for someone who really loves other people's problems (Jacob). 

So there's the start to our new year. I'm not making goals this year. I don't see the point and I'm the master at making a plan for my life and it doesn't go the way I want it to. If I want something to change, I will do it. Right now I just want to be healthy, I want to go to the gym everyday (this is quite fun for me), and I want to know if we are moving to NYC this summer. 

Comments

Jennifer Walker said…
I was blubbering when I left you in Mapleton. I can hardly stand that we live so far away. It kills me. Every time. I love that we saw each other--even if it was short. It made me happy! I love you!
January 11, 2015 at 7:36 PM
Unknown said…
I'm still blubbering. Love you too!
January 26, 2015 at 7:59 AM
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