Christmas


I don't want the year to end without a few thoughts. Me and the girls are in Utah while Jacob is in Miami studying for a shelf exam (internal medicine blah blah). They came to visit their dad for a week. They didn't want to go, even after 5 months of not spending any time with him or his new family. It was a very emotional few days leading up to the trip and the plane ride to SLC was intense. 


We love our kitty:








We played Cranium and I could NOT believe no one guessed my sculpture for pancakes. CLEARLY. 


I wanted to show an honest picture of how I look most of the time. I'm tired, but most of my weirdo health issues have either resolved or put themselves on a back shelf for a while. My back stopped hurting on Christmas Day (miraculous!). I joined the Jewish Community Center gym, which is a nice as Sports Academy in Logan. Really lovely place. After talking with a friend and enduring much analysis from Jacob, it looks as though I had am autoimmune attack that looks exactly like lupus. It could have been brought on my extreme stress plus some bad medication (armor thyroid and a bad compound of progesterone). I took myself off all medication and got an earful of lecture from my doctor about the dangers of stopping medication. I told her I would do it again if I felt it was best for my health. No one won that argument. The issues might come back. They might not. I'm on a diuretic to help with my boated gut and high blood pressure. 




Jacob taught both girls how to play chess. Honestly, I don't think I even know how to play chess. I appreciate how much time he spends with them--softball, swimming, long boarding, games, science, etc. They don't lack for his attention.

Cat really loved the tree. So sparkly and dangly. I realized this year around that I don't have a lot of typical family pics that I see all over Facebook. We don't have Santa pictures. We don't have jammies in front of the tree pictures. We tried to do a church dress picture and it turned into a joke. We just aren't photo people...and I'm glad. We enjoy our moments without trying to make them look perfect. We value the other traditions of the holidays that don't involve pajamas, Santa or whatever. Those traditions are wonderful for other people so don't get me wrong. They just aren't our traditions and no one cares. 


One tradition we kept from my parent's is the Christmas Eve buffet. Hannah was very concerned about how lame it was seem to have a buffet without all the people and fancy dishes. I suggested we call it something else and just have an opportunity to eat whatever we wanted. We came up with some real dumb ones. Christmas Heave, the Noshery, and Jacob wouldn't let go of Dish Wish Eve (the dumbest yet). Hannah finally settled on calling the buffet after all, but at least we had a good laugh for a few hours thinking of names. This year's hodge lodge of food included watermelon, pasta salad, muddy buddies, chicken strips, stuffing, celery and ham sliders.




Hannah announced that she believed in Santa still and wanted to leave cookies, carrot and milk out. I honestly don't think she does, it's just a novelty and a difficulty with growing up. I didn't say anything and just went along with it. Because who really wants Santa to be a just a story?!


Christmas morning was a hit and the kids got some nice things. They love their new little tracphones, a used laptop that jacob's sister was going to throw away, some books and toys and lots of art supplies. Jacob gave me scriptures and some gardening stuff that I LOVE! I gave hime a trip for two to do parasailing behind a boat on Miami Beach. I'm so excited for this. We feel very blessed by family who remembered us this year and sent some great gifts. It was very touching to receive packages or letters or cards. I felt a deep regret at not being able to do more for others this month. I couldn't move for most of the month and could barely care for myself. Jacob stepped in and was Mr Mom. I'm grateful for him. I'm not complaining, I just wish I could have done more for our family and friends. I love them so much and I know I don't show it enough. It's really hard for me and I'm trying to figure it out and REALLY trying to stop being immobile. Anyway.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

NYE

New Year’s Eve 2009: Mapleton, UT I left Brian  in Logan and took the girls down to visit my parents for the new year. I felt bad and I felt relieved. I needed a break from him. We didn’t have money for food. He spiraled and never climbed out.  New Years Eve 2014: Mapleton, UT I went to Utah with my girls and left Jacob in Miami. He could have come but made up an excuse about studying and visiting his dad instead. Always talked about visiting his dad—alone— when I talked about a family visit. New Year’s Eve consisted of me, my parents and Stephen and laurel. There might have been some others that left earlier. I took no pictures. The new year rang in and felt so alone and empty. Did Jacob even care?  New Years Eve 2015: Vancouver, WA Pregnant with Lucy, unable to work, Jacob had just failed the most important test that would allow him into residency, I decided to wait out the remainder of the pregnancy at my parent’s new house. This move was one of the most humiliating ex...
Read more

Parent Teacher Conference

Dear Mom, You left 4 months ago. You clearly didn't mean to leave when you did, with your shoes sitting by the door and your unfinished paper boxes of chocolates for Relief Society. No one else wants to hear how the girls are doing. No one else has lived with us for so long and understands them and the dynamics of my family like you do. I've retreated into my own silence and my own world, desperately trying to survive each day--sometimes each hour--knowing that although so many friends and family care (and I couldn't survive without their support), there is really no one left that has experienced firsthand the horror story I'm starring in. We had parent teacher conferences last night at Leah and Hannah's school. We had to bring Lucy, who wet her pants twice and cried to go home. Here's a summary of teacher comments: HANNAH: *a natural leader *most well-liked student *grades range from 85 (one class) to 93-99 (every other class) *no missing assignment...
Read more

3 Years

Image
The social media version: “A new burger place in Park Slope— pretty good but girls still love Black Tap better. I love the exposed brick and VW van counter.” The reality: We were supposed to go to burgers last night to remember Dad on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I was very sick this weekend. Leah had a fever of 105— I’m gonna day that again— 105 and Lucy was being picked up by her clown father. No one was ok. We somehow made it out of the house today but we could hardly talk about Dad/Grandpa. Hannah regrets that she doesn’t remember much. Leah is deeply grieving a very special connection they had. She cries silently. I am physically wasted with a chest cold, anxious about how Lucy is doing at her dad’s house and too broken to help anyone. Our world went dark three years ago and the light hasn’t come back on.  The social media version: I can’t even write it because it’s not in my nature to sound so fake.  The reality:  Her clown father took her to a party for the g...
Read more