The Fighter Still Remains

I might rate this past August as one of the top 5 most stressful months of my life. I don't even really know how to explain why--just so many changes, decisions, unknowns and emotional upheavals happened. Too many to cope with. Too many to put into words.

We're realizing more and more how difficult the girls' summer was with their dad in Utah. After putting many pieced stories together, I can see that things with him and his new wife are very similar to what I lived with many years ago. I've been reading some really great articles on the concept of gas lighting--a form of emotional abuse that is impossible to resolve or repair. It's such a relief to hear someone else's words about tough relationship issues that I went through. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this world and that it wasn't in my head. Or I wasn't being too picky or too sensitive (all things I've heard.) At the same time, Leah especially wants to resolve conflict and work out situations with her dad and doesn't know how. And I don't know how to say, "Sweetheart, you will never be able to work something out with him. He will never accept the responsibility. Conflict resolution NEVER happens." So I don't say it. Ugh. The whole thing is gut wrenching and painful. I feel like we're watching a train wreck happen in Utah but it's affecting two little girls in New York.

New subject.

I got a job this week--yay? condolences? All of the above. We need the money so bad, especially since I won't be getting child support for an indefinite period of time. But it brings up new issues, like having the girls home for a few hours alone each day. Which I am not okay with, even with Leah's insistence that she's old enough and mature enough to handle it. I'm desperately seeking an after school program that they can both attend. Updates on that later. I'm teaching part time for a gifted and talented program (a very, VERY loose term here) in a Russian community near Coney Island. Oddly, it's a great opportunity for me to teach and have the flexibility in education that I've always wanted. And I make more per hour than I did as a full time teacher in Utah. I'm not as excited as I should be. I don't like leaving my kids. Jacob is great at taking care of them when I'm gone, so that's a huge relief. And they love him. But still.

New subject.

We can't stop having fun. Both girls have the funniest bucket list items "Eat at Katz's Deli like Pip and Edward from Enchanted", "Find a horse somewhere" or "Eat at a really yummy cupcake shop". They don't really care about some of the main attractions, which is just fine with me. Central Park, however, has yet to be boring and is requested almost daily. Too bad it's hotter than Hades and we die of heat exhaustion everyday.

At Columbus Circle. Someday we're not gonna have a whole intersection dedicated to Columbus. 

Bethesda Fountain, Leah not happy.

Hannah wants to be a street performer. I told her I would help her learn how to make giant bubbles. That kid.

Waiting for Colbert. Honestly, neither of us are huge Colbert fans, but when you have tickets, you must use them. And it was worth all the trouble it took to go. 

Girls in bottom left corner, Brooklyn Bridge it top right corner, Manhattan on right. One of the most photographed spots in the country, I suppose, and leave it to me to ruin it. 

The Statue of Liberty is out there. It looked so much closer in person. We decided to visit when we have reservations to climb the 12 flights of stairs to the crown. 

My new job requires me to transfer trains at Coney Island. I stand on a platform and wait for the Q line to show up, and the sea breeze smells good and Coney Island amusement park is right there. And a beach. And for a minute I think that little platform spot on the Q line is just for me, because I may not ever be truly happy without the ocean in my life.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

NYE

New Year’s Eve 2009: Mapleton, UT I left Brian  in Logan and took the girls down to visit my parents for the new year. I felt bad and I felt relieved. I needed a break from him. We didn’t have money for food. He spiraled and never climbed out.  New Years Eve 2014: Mapleton, UT I went to Utah with my girls and left Jacob in Miami. He could have come but made up an excuse about studying and visiting his dad instead. Always talked about visiting his dad—alone— when I talked about a family visit. New Year’s Eve consisted of me, my parents and Stephen and laurel. There might have been some others that left earlier. I took no pictures. The new year rang in and felt so alone and empty. Did Jacob even care?  New Years Eve 2015: Vancouver, WA Pregnant with Lucy, unable to work, Jacob had just failed the most important test that would allow him into residency, I decided to wait out the remainder of the pregnancy at my parent’s new house. This move was one of the most humiliating ex...
Read more

Parent Teacher Conference

Dear Mom, You left 4 months ago. You clearly didn't mean to leave when you did, with your shoes sitting by the door and your unfinished paper boxes of chocolates for Relief Society. No one else wants to hear how the girls are doing. No one else has lived with us for so long and understands them and the dynamics of my family like you do. I've retreated into my own silence and my own world, desperately trying to survive each day--sometimes each hour--knowing that although so many friends and family care (and I couldn't survive without their support), there is really no one left that has experienced firsthand the horror story I'm starring in. We had parent teacher conferences last night at Leah and Hannah's school. We had to bring Lucy, who wet her pants twice and cried to go home. Here's a summary of teacher comments: HANNAH: *a natural leader *most well-liked student *grades range from 85 (one class) to 93-99 (every other class) *no missing assignment...
Read more

3 Years

Image
The social media version: “A new burger place in Park Slope— pretty good but girls still love Black Tap better. I love the exposed brick and VW van counter.” The reality: We were supposed to go to burgers last night to remember Dad on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I was very sick this weekend. Leah had a fever of 105— I’m gonna day that again— 105 and Lucy was being picked up by her clown father. No one was ok. We somehow made it out of the house today but we could hardly talk about Dad/Grandpa. Hannah regrets that she doesn’t remember much. Leah is deeply grieving a very special connection they had. She cries silently. I am physically wasted with a chest cold, anxious about how Lucy is doing at her dad’s house and too broken to help anyone. Our world went dark three years ago and the light hasn’t come back on.  The social media version: I can’t even write it because it’s not in my nature to sound so fake.  The reality:  Her clown father took her to a party for the g...
Read more