Coulda Woulda


Today would have been my 11th anniversary. I spent the day in Salt Lake with my buddy Mindy and her two small kids, laying on a blanket in the sun and talking about everything from the proper way to make scotcheroos to her ex-husband's recent engagement. I went to Ikea afterward, meaning to pick up a few shelves but ended up in the restaurant eating Greek salad and Swedish apple cake. I finished my homework for the week, so my super exciting evening will consist of stitching and catching up on Downton Abbey episodes (curses to all of you who talked me into it! Now I'm totally addicted!).

A few thoughts about the whole divorce thing: This wasn't what I planned. Does anyone, except that Kardashian lady? I tried really hard and I couldn't fight for life and well-being anymore--for myself or for my kids. I have a few labels on my back right now, labels that are hard to wear when living in such a conservative, religious environment like Mapleton.  DIVORCEE. SINGLE MOM. Some people are judgmental, but I'm not bothered by it. They don't understand the real situation. I've learned that people have some crazy ideas about divorce--my favorite was when a friend asked me "So what will you differently next time?" My reply was "Nothing. I tried my hardest and made the best decisions I could."

Mostly, I think we can all see how positively the divorce has impacted my girls. They have developed and grown in exponential ways in the past few years. They have learned to laugh and are trying so hard to be independent. We still have a long way to go--if I'm not within a few dozen feet of them, they will scream. Loudly. Still, they are smart and creative and enjoyable to be around. I couldn't say these things about them a few years ago. A friend said to me the other day, "You're divorce was so good." We laughed but I know what she meant. She saw the whole thing and has witnessed the great changes we've experienced.

I still feel deep sadness about the loss of my marriage, but I have a peace and confidence that there is a future for me and my girls. I don't know what it will be, but we will be okay. We're in a good place right now.

Comments

Julianne Howes said…
I really respect you for the decision you made. It would be an extremely difficult thing to go through. It is between you and the Lord and I'm so proud of you for doimg what you knew was best for you and you're girls despite the judgements you are getting. I wish people could be more compassionate. Love you always.
March 10, 2012 at 7:48 PM
Jennifer Walker said…
I'm sorry this is a hard day. I pray that each March 10th from here on out gets a little easier with time. I don't think it's just the girls who are better off--you've grown and changed in great ways, too. Feel the pain and move through it--you always do! I'm right here for you--always.
March 10, 2012 at 8:47 PM
Larri-Lea said…
The changes have been immeasurable for all of you. Your faith is your greatest strength, and it will get you through to whatever is in your future. You are being a terrific mom to those little dolls, along with everything else you are doing. You are an inspiration to me, daughter. I love you.
March 11, 2012 at 9:12 PM
Andrew Walker said…
Why does this have to be your first missed anniversary instead of your the first anniversary of your emancipation? Divorce happens. Divorce happens after temple marriages. Each one is unique but I have yet to hear about one where I think to myself "that marriage could have been saved if only they had tried . . . "

Everyone who knows you is breathing a sigh of relief. Everyone who is passing judgement is just helpfully differentiating themselves from people you actually want to get to know better or interact with.

The admirable thing for me though is that you don't see the marriage as a mistake and you don't see the divorce as a mistake. I think a lot of people try to reconcile one by making the other wrong, but they can both be right.

You made a choice that has improved your life tremendously and improved the lives of your girls. That's the bottom line--and you have two great parents who have supported that decision and you too.
March 12, 2012 at 1:27 PM
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