Christmas, New Year's, and whatever comes next

I decided on a short Christmas post for a few reasons. I don't have energy (I say that a lot, don't I?), but mostly there is one thing I want to say about the whole event: We had a good time. Brian took the girls this year on Christmas Eve and kept them until mid-Christmas morning. It was one of those realities of divorce that I don't think anyone is ever prepared for. Having my girls leave on Christmas was NOT part of my grand plan. I decided to choose a positive attitude, recognizing that the situation was not ideal but not totally devastating. My sister and her family came down and provided more support than they probably realize. 


My dad put it well: There is a lot of love in amongst the three of us. 


And I scored a pair of corgi socks.


I have zero pictures of New Year's Eve, which is a shame since we had a great time. We made homemade Chinese food (SOOOO good), then we watched a slideshow of the year's pictures that I put together. I wish I was tech-savvy enough to post it. We played Cranium Junior and my girls went to bed around 8:30. I crashed around 10 pm. Honestly, I wish New Year's Eve was like this every year. It was heavenly.

So, now it's time to think about what the year might bring. Maybe making resolutions and goals is a way for us to feel more control over an empty, unknown year. Maybe we are all hoping like crazy that it will be a magical year, even better than the last one. But what if it's not? I had six or seven years in a row that  were the worst ever, and each New Year's I just knew that I'd experienced enough despair and the next year would be better. It didn't get better for a long time, but the eternal optimist in me never stopped hoping. I think 2011 was one of the best I've had in years, and I hope this year will be good. Realistically, I recognize that it may bring some sharp highs and lows. 

Here are a few things that I want to happen this year:

*Feed my kids less ramen
*Visit Goblin Valley
*Put pictures of the girls into books
*Find a way to do more pilates

Sounds like a good plan. Time for bed now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

NYE

New Year’s Eve 2009: Mapleton, UT I left Brian  in Logan and took the girls down to visit my parents for the new year. I felt bad and I felt relieved. I needed a break from him. We didn’t have money for food. He spiraled and never climbed out.  New Years Eve 2014: Mapleton, UT I went to Utah with my girls and left Jacob in Miami. He could have come but made up an excuse about studying and visiting his dad instead. Always talked about visiting his dad—alone— when I talked about a family visit. New Year’s Eve consisted of me, my parents and Stephen and laurel. There might have been some others that left earlier. I took no pictures. The new year rang in and felt so alone and empty. Did Jacob even care?  New Years Eve 2015: Vancouver, WA Pregnant with Lucy, unable to work, Jacob had just failed the most important test that would allow him into residency, I decided to wait out the remainder of the pregnancy at my parent’s new house. This move was one of the most humiliating ex...
Read more

Parent Teacher Conference

Dear Mom, You left 4 months ago. You clearly didn't mean to leave when you did, with your shoes sitting by the door and your unfinished paper boxes of chocolates for Relief Society. No one else wants to hear how the girls are doing. No one else has lived with us for so long and understands them and the dynamics of my family like you do. I've retreated into my own silence and my own world, desperately trying to survive each day--sometimes each hour--knowing that although so many friends and family care (and I couldn't survive without their support), there is really no one left that has experienced firsthand the horror story I'm starring in. We had parent teacher conferences last night at Leah and Hannah's school. We had to bring Lucy, who wet her pants twice and cried to go home. Here's a summary of teacher comments: HANNAH: *a natural leader *most well-liked student *grades range from 85 (one class) to 93-99 (every other class) *no missing assignment...
Read more

3 Years

Image
The social media version: “A new burger place in Park Slope— pretty good but girls still love Black Tap better. I love the exposed brick and VW van counter.” The reality: We were supposed to go to burgers last night to remember Dad on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I was very sick this weekend. Leah had a fever of 105— I’m gonna day that again— 105 and Lucy was being picked up by her clown father. No one was ok. We somehow made it out of the house today but we could hardly talk about Dad/Grandpa. Hannah regrets that she doesn’t remember much. Leah is deeply grieving a very special connection they had. She cries silently. I am physically wasted with a chest cold, anxious about how Lucy is doing at her dad’s house and too broken to help anyone. Our world went dark three years ago and the light hasn’t come back on.  The social media version: I can’t even write it because it’s not in my nature to sound so fake.  The reality:  Her clown father took her to a party for the g...
Read more